This week on our “Cogill Wine & Film, A Perfect Pairing” Podcast on reVolver Podcasts we pair “Transformers: The Last Night” with White Knight Wines. Both are big, busy, rather uninteresting and with make a bundle of money. More of our thoughts on both below.

Listen to the show here, clicking “Episode 51.” Or listen through iTunes, Spotify, IHeartRadio or Google Play Music.

The Film: “Transformers: The White Knight”

“Transformers: The Last Knight” is so bad it makes “Baywatch” look good.

A dizzying, mind numbing, two plus hours of patched together nonsense that begins with King Arthur and the Knights Of The Round Table. I’m assuming Hasbro opened up a franchise back then and Merlin the magician, played as a drunk fool by Stanley Tucci, was their first customer.

It’s a movie that also says if you made it all the way to the Round Table you were awarded your own Transformer, which made me immediately think about Guinevere and if she played with Barbies.

And that’s just the first 30 minutes as Mark Whalberg enters, Anthony Hopkins snarls the word “bitch” on more than one occasion, and before you can say “Tom Cruise Mummy Movie” the world is about to end, again.

“Transformers: The Last Knight” is number five in the big budget Michael Bay directed franchise that has grossed already just under four billion dollars world wide.

Audiences have generally embraced the toy inspired series while critics have historically loathed their messy, heavy-handed popularity. There is a massive divide between ten year olds who love these films and the seasoned movie goer who dreads the day it arrives. Both have valid opinions.

As an added bonus, after seeing, “Transformers: The Last Knight,” I still have no clue what happened. The battle to save the earth takes place at 30,000 feet but looks like Scotland, John Goodman voices a gun happy transformer, and there’s a bunch of kids in the movie that make no sense.

Then there’s the collateral damage. Millions must die so toys can become cars.

It’s nonsense, and even though Michael Bay and Mark Whalberg are not returning, there are two more “Transformers” movies in the pipeline.

Lord, help us all.

The Wine: White Knight Wines

Though White Knight’s official statement notes that their wine is “swooping in to rescue the palate from ordinary wines, the sense of adventure of The White Knight is impossible to resist.” I sadly can as the wines aren’t bad, but they lack the character, nuance and delicacy I hope for when enjoying a glass.

Much like our featured film, these wines are popular, easy and uncomplicated, which is appealing on a hot summer day when you just want something cold, and don’t really what to think that much about what is in your glass. Sadly, when I spend the calories on a glass, I want there to be something there that grabs my attention. With that being said, it is is 100 degrees outside, I will sip their Pinot Grigio if you give me a glass.